How the hell did I get roped into this? I do not like dirty nasty dogs...If you have dogs and keep them clean and take care of them then YAY I like you and your dogs. But these dogs are like someone elses bratty kids. I have no say and no control over anything.
The house stinks so bad that it makes me gag. I cannot live like that. I am goin to have to clean for like 2 weeks just to make it ok. There are 2 inches of dirt IN THE FRIDGE~!
Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and I am being selfish. They have been locking the dogs in the bedroom during they day so they dont piss and shit all over everything. MY GOD PPL REALLY!?! WTF!
If you have to lock your dogs in one room during the day (no matter how ofter you let them out) to keep them from shitting on the floor and pissing on everything then maybe the dogs should be outside dogs? maybe the dogs need a better place to live?
Did I say I don't want to move.... I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THERE.
I am trying i promise i am trying to be positive. Its just when I ask Justin for more boxes and he says "You have enough." and I say the five boxes I had are full and the repsonse I get is "I dont really care, I am tired and going home to take a nap" The fuck you are...pack some shit, get me boxes, clean something...DO something.
He says I need to get more sleep. wtf? 8 hours a night is enough. I cannot afford to take a nap just because I am felling tired. I have things to do and the pressure to get them done is growing.
Lets not talk about WOW. I want to play and have been told that we are leveling together so I cannot play my priest. Which is my favorite toon and the only one I want to play. I dont even log in unless he is there and logged in as well. This morning he got mad when I asked him why he was playing his "saved' toon. He said he was not getting that mush more XP than I was and eventhough we agreed not to play those toons without the other person this wasnt a big deal. When I do get to play its stressful because he and jason want to go so fast and when I dont keep up or when i stop to pick a flower or somewthing he freaks out at me. He says "you need to make time to play or find to play and stop bitching at me about it" I wasnt bitching but oh well. why bother everythign I say or any questions I ask turn everything into an argument...well really it turns him into yelling at me and me into trying hard not to cry because it will make it all worse.
He also dropped the bombshell on me today that his mom is "loony toon - bat shit crazy" now. I am sorry and I know i am complaing about myself and there are others involved. I need to suck it up and get it over with. ..
I am rambling but i feel better. a little. I still just want to sleep like for DAYS and that not possible. Hey have a good vacation julie...instead of spending time decorating and getting ready for Christmas you get to clean someone elses shitty messes and pack your house and move and unpack and take care of a sick lady. Merry fucking christmas ...... maybe I dont feel better...i am just angry and now i have a work meeting which in comical in context.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
NUTS
Things are absolutely nuts right now. Justin still thinks his mom is going to get better and things will be hunky dorey. I don't think that will happen. I believe she will not make it through this. I know its terrible to think like that but I do. I want her to get better but I think she will not.
I do it becuase if I let myself think she will be ok and she dies I will not be as able to deal with it than if I am already prepared. I think I am like that because my Dad always promised this or that and never delivered. So I always found it easier to remain calm about things before they actually happen.
The moving into the house thing...yep its gonna happen gaurenteed. I have to pick out paint and carpet and have the up stairs painted and the house carpeted. I also have to go through all the dishes and everything in the kitchen and "get rid of anything you don't want to keep or we don't need" (Jim) I am not sure what that means. Actually I am afraid of what that means. Do I really have complete license to go through everything and clean it all out? If I do and Dianna gets better, am I going to get in trouble for getting rid of stuff? Who am I kidding? she hasn't been in the actual kitchen for at least the last year, maybe longer. Still it makes me nervous.
Justin is super busy and super stressed out. I can't get him to tell me what he wants me to do and when he does - and I do it, its like its not right. I called and found out about having the chi fixed and our kitten is limping so she needs to go to the vet too. I looked at carpet types and found that Lowes is probably the best place to get carpet right now. I did all this and then called him and told him about it and said my plan is to paint everything this weekend so the carpet can go in during the week and we can move next weekend but he told me that the carpet is more important. He just called back and said paint...paint dont pain holy shit man make up your mind.
Justin keeps calling the middle bedroom "the baby room" Where did that come from? I cant even begin to think about that right now. Its too sensitive a subject and the process stresses me out.
I think once I get everything done and moved and taken care of and things are settled it will be ok but right now...right now my head is spinning and i just want to yell STOP! STOP NOW! Lets just breathe and think about this. There is no time for that.
Oh ya and Christmas is in 2 freaking weeks! 2 WEEKS! Holy crap I still need to do my shopping. I have my parents and Andy still. I have a couple small things for Andy but not what I wanted. I don't know when I am going to get that done and I just wanted to put my tree up next weekend and have it all ready.
I said saomthing about just having Christmas at my mom's since she has a big giant tree set up and its all nice over there and he said "No I want a tree in my house - even if its only half mine" What?! Where did that come from? I thought you hated the Holiday and that goes with it but now you are "We will have a tree no matter what, even if its a small one." I don't know whats going on but I suspect its his way of trying to make me feel better about things.
Ugh more work now....
I do it becuase if I let myself think she will be ok and she dies I will not be as able to deal with it than if I am already prepared. I think I am like that because my Dad always promised this or that and never delivered. So I always found it easier to remain calm about things before they actually happen.
The moving into the house thing...yep its gonna happen gaurenteed. I have to pick out paint and carpet and have the up stairs painted and the house carpeted. I also have to go through all the dishes and everything in the kitchen and "get rid of anything you don't want to keep or we don't need" (Jim) I am not sure what that means. Actually I am afraid of what that means. Do I really have complete license to go through everything and clean it all out? If I do and Dianna gets better, am I going to get in trouble for getting rid of stuff? Who am I kidding? she hasn't been in the actual kitchen for at least the last year, maybe longer. Still it makes me nervous.
Justin is super busy and super stressed out. I can't get him to tell me what he wants me to do and when he does - and I do it, its like its not right. I called and found out about having the chi fixed and our kitten is limping so she needs to go to the vet too. I looked at carpet types and found that Lowes is probably the best place to get carpet right now. I did all this and then called him and told him about it and said my plan is to paint everything this weekend so the carpet can go in during the week and we can move next weekend but he told me that the carpet is more important. He just called back and said paint...paint dont pain holy shit man make up your mind.
Justin keeps calling the middle bedroom "the baby room" Where did that come from? I cant even begin to think about that right now. Its too sensitive a subject and the process stresses me out.
I think once I get everything done and moved and taken care of and things are settled it will be ok but right now...right now my head is spinning and i just want to yell STOP! STOP NOW! Lets just breathe and think about this. There is no time for that.
Oh ya and Christmas is in 2 freaking weeks! 2 WEEKS! Holy crap I still need to do my shopping. I have my parents and Andy still. I have a couple small things for Andy but not what I wanted. I don't know when I am going to get that done and I just wanted to put my tree up next weekend and have it all ready.
I said saomthing about just having Christmas at my mom's since she has a big giant tree set up and its all nice over there and he said "No I want a tree in my house - even if its only half mine" What?! Where did that come from? I thought you hated the Holiday and that goes with it but now you are "We will have a tree no matter what, even if its a small one." I don't know whats going on but I suspect its his way of trying to make me feel better about things.
Ugh more work now....
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Freaking the hell out
I am really freaking the HELL out right now. Not even just a little bit, I am freaking the fuck out!
Justin's mom was diagnosed with heart and liver failure. It is bad. So she needs lots of care and attention and Jim wants us to move in with them to help out. I don't know what this means and I have TONS of questions and no answers.
Last night when Jim asked and Justin said "You bet, when do you want us to turn in our 30 day notice" and Jim said tomorrow I almost passed out. Seriously, one freaking giant bomb at a time people. Tell me his mom is so sick they can't even do an angioplasty to see how bad it is then tell me she is in liver falure and so her brain is being damaged by the amonia in her body. Add on top of that the fact that she needs 24 hour care and that you can't afford it. Give my brain some time to wrap around that information before you add in the other bomb.
Jim says "I need help and I need you to move in as soon as possible - the house is too much for me" and I hear "Move in and do all the cleaning and cooking and taking care of all 4 adults (1 terminally ill) 1 teen age boy, 3 freaking dogs and 2 kittens. All while you work a full time job" OVER LOAD!
We spent a couple hours with her in the hospital last night so Jim could get some work done and take a shower. When we left Justin turned to me and asked "what do you think?" My automatic response to this question is "it will be ok" then I struggle with the information in my brain until I figure it out. This time the freaking news is too much and my normal filter is missing. I say I am worried about it and there are a lot of things that will need to change. I am nervous about it. He looks at me like Im nuts and then proceeds to tell me all the good things about it.
I think we are having a conversation about this situation like adults and he asks me "what are your worries?"
My brain should have set off a HUGE warning but I either miss the "shut up" warning or my brain is till in shock because I actually say things like "We are going to have to get a storage unit and are we living with them in the whole house or just the upstairs is ours?" He says no we will just move all out stuff in like its our house too, we will put our couch in the living room. I say "The little dog is in heat a lot so I don't want to put our (brand new) couch in the living room"
Justin started yelling at me. "How can you be so negative, everything you have said is negative, can't you come up with the solution instead of freaking out about the negative? Holy shit why couldn't you just say something like - can we get the little dog fixed so she isn't in heat? but no you have to jump on the fact that she is gonna get blood on the furniture. Stop being so negative."
I explained that I wasn't being negative on purpose I was just trying to talk to him about what I am thinking and that he asked. I said I was sorry and things would be fine. He said "Don't talk to me about it anymore, I don't want to hear anything negative from you about it.
This is another reason why I keep things bottled up inside. Who do I talk to about things and who do I work things out with if not Justin? This morning he was in a much better mood about it all and even last night he was trying to be in a good mood. I know he is trying and I know this is terrible for him.
I feel like a terribly selfish person to be so upset about how this will change our life (both good and bad). And I am even more nervous about how we are supposed to be trying to get pregant now. Ugh I have to push all thoughts of a baby and all my dreams and hopes about that aside for now. He won't touch me right now anyways because he "has too many things on his mind"
This morning he was better and he told me things are fine and we will just have to go through this and things will be ok. He said he will think about everythig and work all the details out. I asked him to please share with me those details so I don't worry and he said "You know I think of everything, there is no need for you to think about it or worry about it, I got it"
I don't even know what to think I do believe I am in shock about the whole thing. I can't write anymore now (even though I want to because it does help so so much) i'ts time to get actual work done.
Justin's mom was diagnosed with heart and liver failure. It is bad. So she needs lots of care and attention and Jim wants us to move in with them to help out. I don't know what this means and I have TONS of questions and no answers.
Last night when Jim asked and Justin said "You bet, when do you want us to turn in our 30 day notice" and Jim said tomorrow I almost passed out. Seriously, one freaking giant bomb at a time people. Tell me his mom is so sick they can't even do an angioplasty to see how bad it is then tell me she is in liver falure and so her brain is being damaged by the amonia in her body. Add on top of that the fact that she needs 24 hour care and that you can't afford it. Give my brain some time to wrap around that information before you add in the other bomb.
Jim says "I need help and I need you to move in as soon as possible - the house is too much for me" and I hear "Move in and do all the cleaning and cooking and taking care of all 4 adults (1 terminally ill) 1 teen age boy, 3 freaking dogs and 2 kittens. All while you work a full time job" OVER LOAD!
We spent a couple hours with her in the hospital last night so Jim could get some work done and take a shower. When we left Justin turned to me and asked "what do you think?" My automatic response to this question is "it will be ok" then I struggle with the information in my brain until I figure it out. This time the freaking news is too much and my normal filter is missing. I say I am worried about it and there are a lot of things that will need to change. I am nervous about it. He looks at me like Im nuts and then proceeds to tell me all the good things about it.
I think we are having a conversation about this situation like adults and he asks me "what are your worries?"
My brain should have set off a HUGE warning but I either miss the "shut up" warning or my brain is till in shock because I actually say things like "We are going to have to get a storage unit and are we living with them in the whole house or just the upstairs is ours?" He says no we will just move all out stuff in like its our house too, we will put our couch in the living room. I say "The little dog is in heat a lot so I don't want to put our (brand new) couch in the living room"
Justin started yelling at me. "How can you be so negative, everything you have said is negative, can't you come up with the solution instead of freaking out about the negative? Holy shit why couldn't you just say something like - can we get the little dog fixed so she isn't in heat? but no you have to jump on the fact that she is gonna get blood on the furniture. Stop being so negative."
I explained that I wasn't being negative on purpose I was just trying to talk to him about what I am thinking and that he asked. I said I was sorry and things would be fine. He said "Don't talk to me about it anymore, I don't want to hear anything negative from you about it.
This is another reason why I keep things bottled up inside. Who do I talk to about things and who do I work things out with if not Justin? This morning he was in a much better mood about it all and even last night he was trying to be in a good mood. I know he is trying and I know this is terrible for him.
I feel like a terribly selfish person to be so upset about how this will change our life (both good and bad). And I am even more nervous about how we are supposed to be trying to get pregant now. Ugh I have to push all thoughts of a baby and all my dreams and hopes about that aside for now. He won't touch me right now anyways because he "has too many things on his mind"
This morning he was better and he told me things are fine and we will just have to go through this and things will be ok. He said he will think about everythig and work all the details out. I asked him to please share with me those details so I don't worry and he said "You know I think of everything, there is no need for you to think about it or worry about it, I got it"
I don't even know what to think I do believe I am in shock about the whole thing. I can't write anymore now (even though I want to because it does help so so much) i'ts time to get actual work done.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Happy Fog and Black Days Ahead
Some thoughts I have kept mostly to myself for the better part of a Year.
I have spent the better part of my life carefully hiding my thoughts and feelings from all those around me. Don’t misunderstand me, I have shared myself and some of my thoughts and feelings but for the most part I have kept it all to myself. I have good reasons for being ‘secretive’ but now is not the time to talk about them.
In an effort to be forthcoming with my friends and ultimately myself I have decided to talk about some of the things that I have been keeping bottled inside. I am truly hoping that this will help me “get over myself” or maybe it will just be cathartic and I will feel better. Of course the opposite could happen and I may just dig myself in a deeper than I already am, but why not? I mean nothing is getting better keeping it inside so I might as well. I am not sure that completely removing the cork from the bottle is a good idea (it’s possible that my head may implode or there may be a nuclear explosion like in those 1950s test footage videos) so I am going to start with the thing that is on my mind right now.
In January 2009, JJ and I decided to stop trying not to get pregnant and actually give it a go. In February 2009 I found out I was pregnant! It happened WAY faster than I thought it would and I was ecstatic and terrified, mostly ecstatic. I thought about BABY all the time. I felt my life prospective turn completely inward and I just thought BABY! BABY! BABY! all the time. I had names picked out (even though I did not share this info with JJ). We told everyone and our parents were excited as well. I had morning sickness 24-7 and it was like I remembered. JJ was so sweet and caring and Andy was kind of oblivious, which is healthy for a kid. My baby was going to be here November 4, 2009!
Our first ‘real’ doc appointment came up and I could hardly stand myself I was so excited. Words cannot explain the joy and excitement and anticipation I felt during this time. JJ was excited too; we talked about Baby and Andy all the time. We arrived at the appointment and anticipated hearing and seeing the little one. The doc came in with the heart monitor and tried and tried to find the heartbeat. He said, “Sometimes it’s hard to find let’s get an ultrasound.”
At the time I was just even more excited they didn’t find the heart beat. YAY! We get to SEE the Baby!!! We waited forever for the room to be freed up and then went in. At this time I am still in what I can only explain as a “Happy Fog” I am happy and content and only thinking about the possibilities.
Doc looks at the monitor and then says, “Well, I am afraid this is not good.” He said other things too but I don’t know what. I am in such a “Happy Fog” that I don’t even understand him. I can see his face and the nurse’s face and they both have the “so sorry” look and then I look at Justin but I don’t know what’s going on yet. They are all looking at me like I am an alien; I still have the stupid “Happy Fog” grin going on.
Kind of like an alarm clock interrupting your dream the reality slowly starts to sink in and I can hear what’s being said. I don’t know what I looked like but I can see everyone looking at me like I might freak out and they are getting ready. The doc says we can come back in a week and check again before we make any final decisions about a D&C and that this happens to 1 in 3 women and that the baby is not going to make it. “The fetus is small at what I would guess is 10 weeks even though you are 12 weeks, there is no heartbeat. The fetus is non viable”
I spend the next week trying to deal with the news that I am pregnant but not for much longer. We go back and the doc confirms that bad news. Some chick in the waiting room actually says, “Are you here for an appointment? Are you pregnant? You don’t even look pregnant.” I just stared at her, how do I possible answer that question? Yes I am pregnant but my baby is dead.
The doc says we should not have a D&C because it can cause scar tissue and blah blah blah. “Let it be natural” What he didn’t explain was how long it would take and what would happen and he made me feel like I had no options.
It took two more weeks for the “natural abortion” to occur. Those 2 weeks were horrible. I felt pregnant but the morning sickness had stopped. I was emotional and depressed and to be completely honest I was suicidal. Yes I thought about how things would just be better if I was no longer in the mix complicating everyone’s life. I couldn’t even have lunch with my friends and their new baby without getting emotional and crying. Not because they had a baby and I didn’t but because my hormones were going NUTS. These feelings and my inability to keep up the “everything is fine” game made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to hurt the people around me and I couldn’t control my emotions. This was a spiral of self hatred that led to deeper depression.
JJ promised and promised that we would try again and get pregnant as soon as we could. I later realize that his try to get pregnant is COMPLETELY different from mine.
I started having contractions on a Saturday early in the morning and by 11PM I thought I was going to die. JJ played on his computer and told me to stay in bed and rest. I wanted so badly for him to come in and hold me and tell it would be ok but he refused to, “you just need to rest”. In the end I had a miscarriage in my room – completely alone. I am not mad at him for this; he was dealing with it in the only way he knows how. I know I should have called someone to come and be with me, but I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. I deal with a lot alone for the same reason. Here is something I promise though….If this ever happens again I WILL call.
The next several months were the opposite of “Happy Fog” and I spent a considerable amount of energy just trying to seem normal to those around me. It was a lot of work to pretend to be ok and I was failing miserably at it.
I’ll continue this more in a little while.
I have spent the better part of my life carefully hiding my thoughts and feelings from all those around me. Don’t misunderstand me, I have shared myself and some of my thoughts and feelings but for the most part I have kept it all to myself. I have good reasons for being ‘secretive’ but now is not the time to talk about them.
In an effort to be forthcoming with my friends and ultimately myself I have decided to talk about some of the things that I have been keeping bottled inside. I am truly hoping that this will help me “get over myself” or maybe it will just be cathartic and I will feel better. Of course the opposite could happen and I may just dig myself in a deeper than I already am, but why not? I mean nothing is getting better keeping it inside so I might as well. I am not sure that completely removing the cork from the bottle is a good idea (it’s possible that my head may implode or there may be a nuclear explosion like in those 1950s test footage videos) so I am going to start with the thing that is on my mind right now.
In January 2009, JJ and I decided to stop trying not to get pregnant and actually give it a go. In February 2009 I found out I was pregnant! It happened WAY faster than I thought it would and I was ecstatic and terrified, mostly ecstatic. I thought about BABY all the time. I felt my life prospective turn completely inward and I just thought BABY! BABY! BABY! all the time. I had names picked out (even though I did not share this info with JJ). We told everyone and our parents were excited as well. I had morning sickness 24-7 and it was like I remembered. JJ was so sweet and caring and Andy was kind of oblivious, which is healthy for a kid. My baby was going to be here November 4, 2009!
Our first ‘real’ doc appointment came up and I could hardly stand myself I was so excited. Words cannot explain the joy and excitement and anticipation I felt during this time. JJ was excited too; we talked about Baby and Andy all the time. We arrived at the appointment and anticipated hearing and seeing the little one. The doc came in with the heart monitor and tried and tried to find the heartbeat. He said, “Sometimes it’s hard to find let’s get an ultrasound.”
At the time I was just even more excited they didn’t find the heart beat. YAY! We get to SEE the Baby!!! We waited forever for the room to be freed up and then went in. At this time I am still in what I can only explain as a “Happy Fog” I am happy and content and only thinking about the possibilities.
Doc looks at the monitor and then says, “Well, I am afraid this is not good.” He said other things too but I don’t know what. I am in such a “Happy Fog” that I don’t even understand him. I can see his face and the nurse’s face and they both have the “so sorry” look and then I look at Justin but I don’t know what’s going on yet. They are all looking at me like I am an alien; I still have the stupid “Happy Fog” grin going on.
Kind of like an alarm clock interrupting your dream the reality slowly starts to sink in and I can hear what’s being said. I don’t know what I looked like but I can see everyone looking at me like I might freak out and they are getting ready. The doc says we can come back in a week and check again before we make any final decisions about a D&C and that this happens to 1 in 3 women and that the baby is not going to make it. “The fetus is small at what I would guess is 10 weeks even though you are 12 weeks, there is no heartbeat. The fetus is non viable”
I spend the next week trying to deal with the news that I am pregnant but not for much longer. We go back and the doc confirms that bad news. Some chick in the waiting room actually says, “Are you here for an appointment? Are you pregnant? You don’t even look pregnant.” I just stared at her, how do I possible answer that question? Yes I am pregnant but my baby is dead.
The doc says we should not have a D&C because it can cause scar tissue and blah blah blah. “Let it be natural” What he didn’t explain was how long it would take and what would happen and he made me feel like I had no options.
It took two more weeks for the “natural abortion” to occur. Those 2 weeks were horrible. I felt pregnant but the morning sickness had stopped. I was emotional and depressed and to be completely honest I was suicidal. Yes I thought about how things would just be better if I was no longer in the mix complicating everyone’s life. I couldn’t even have lunch with my friends and their new baby without getting emotional and crying. Not because they had a baby and I didn’t but because my hormones were going NUTS. These feelings and my inability to keep up the “everything is fine” game made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to hurt the people around me and I couldn’t control my emotions. This was a spiral of self hatred that led to deeper depression.
JJ promised and promised that we would try again and get pregnant as soon as we could. I later realize that his try to get pregnant is COMPLETELY different from mine.
I started having contractions on a Saturday early in the morning and by 11PM I thought I was going to die. JJ played on his computer and told me to stay in bed and rest. I wanted so badly for him to come in and hold me and tell it would be ok but he refused to, “you just need to rest”. In the end I had a miscarriage in my room – completely alone. I am not mad at him for this; he was dealing with it in the only way he knows how. I know I should have called someone to come and be with me, but I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. I deal with a lot alone for the same reason. Here is something I promise though….If this ever happens again I WILL call.
The next several months were the opposite of “Happy Fog” and I spent a considerable amount of energy just trying to seem normal to those around me. It was a lot of work to pretend to be ok and I was failing miserably at it.
I’ll continue this more in a little while.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
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