I live in house full of bat shit crazy

J's mom is bat shit INSANE! He went home for lunch today to relax and load a game on his computer to play when he gets home tonight and she started bitching at him.



He said they are tired of dishes in the sink and pop cans in the living room, and why is there a kitchen tablein the living room, we don't eat in there and all kinds of other BS. He was livid. He told her "oh god forbid pop cans in the living room when the dogs shit everywhere thats ok. Dishes in the sink? really.?



I work all day, I get up at 530 in the mornign and I go to work. When I get home at 430 i wash dishes, clean stuff and cook dinner. I clean up after cooking and I wash dishes (I will occasionally leave dishes in the sink for the next day so what?) I am not even getting to rest until after 730 or 8 at night. FUCK THEM.



Thast house is disgusting, dirt and dust and nicotine everywhere and she is going to bitch at me for a few pop cans form the night before and the dishes....by the way the dishes are 1 pan that i left to soak, a handful of silverwear and a coffee cup. Oh god the dishes are going to take over....maybe when they fix the dishwasher it will be easier and I will do them more. Oh wait I am the ONLY PERSON who does dishes!



Justin told her she needs to shut up since she sits in her bed all day everyday what the hell does she know about anything in the house. She actually told him she never ever left dirty dishes in the sink after she cooked...and he said when did you ever cook mom? when? oh and you haven't worked 1 single day since I was 10 years old so you cant say anything.



I wonder where she gets off being such a bitch about everything, she does NOTHING and she likes it. I knew moving in here was a bad terrible bad idea but i supported JJ because that what you do. We discussed it and he just wanted to help them out while she was sick and dying and he wanted to be the good son. Now I think he is sorry about it.



Now I am afraid to unpack because we are just gonna move again....fml.

YAY

Well last week my always a disappointment negative was actually positive!!! Can you beleive it!? I am still in shock which i'm sure is partly because I am only about 6 weeks pregnant and haven't had the morning sickness from hell.....yet.

We told the kiddo and the parents and the friends. I want to tell everyone but its still early and I am anxious about it seeing as the last time things did not go well. Maybe after we see the OB and are about 12 weeks we will tell. Man thats 6 weeks from now....seems far away but we all know how quickly time flies. I figure I can tell ppl at work in March.

We are mostly moved into the house now. I now understand why things have gotten so bad there and why his mom had gotten so sick before she was hospitalized. Jim does what ever she wants because (and I quote) "She just gets all upset when she doesn't get her way, she starts throwing a fit and she makes everyone around miserable...its just not worth it." DAMN.

There are so so many examples of this behavour but i don't want to get into it. I am amazed that Justin knows this is how she is and he is in shock at how bad it is.

I have been having nightmares about the dogs biting my baby. It usually starts with me finding his mom with my baby and the dogs around and barking and then biting off the babies toes (I am sure this is because of a news story I saw a few months ago about the family dog eating the baby's toes. the parents were meth heads and the dogs were starving). Then me killing the dogs with my bare hands, her freaking out because How dare I hurt her babies and then me hitting her too. Sometimes the dogs just bite AT the baby and dont make contact and I still run in and beat a dog down. I swear to God and all that is holy and breathing in this world, that stupid freaking dog will die if it so much as looks sideways at my baby. I wouldn't be so freaked out about it except that both jim and dianna have encouraged the dog's horrible behavior (We had Jason over last night and that bitch bit him too). they both say stuff like "good girl...get him girl get him" I HATE that.

I overheard Jim talking to his Son (who lives in OKC and has not been around in YEARS) he was saying that she is getting better and is even standing by herself for 30 seconds at a time :O. He said that he hoped by the end of the summer to be out of the house. WOW that would be awesome. Justin thinks his mom will say no and that we will be the ones leaving the house by the end of the summer. either way I don't think this living in the same house thing is gonna work the way they think it will. I am very apprehensive about it.

Dianna keeps saying she is gonna spoil my baby and give him what ever he wants and that when we are disciplining him she will rescue him because her grandchild does no wrong. I had to leave the room to keep from saying "oh the hell you will. I will hurt you first." I mean it though THE HELL SHE WILL.

To be honest I think she likes all the attention and all the fuss around her and she likes being waited on hand and foot and she wants nothing to do with getting better. I also think she is talking about getting better to go to the casino just so she can smoke. There will be NO smoking in that house as long as i live there I dont care who she is.

Oh I am feeling fierce this afternoon. Its probably because I need a nap and I have to fix dinner when I get home and food is not great right now. :)

Seriously>>!!!???

The stupid nurses let the freaking dogs PISS all oveer the living room floor again.
My god I am so mad I could seriously hurt someone. The gates are up blocking them out for a reason and they understand it. They are NEVER EVER EVER supposed ot let the dogs be in the living room alone ever. Only to walk out the back door to pee. Holy Fuck how hard is it.

I feel like I cant even enjoy my couch and my tv and resting in the living room because I smell dog piss.

ugh

The ice shower from hell.

On so the last week has been kind of nuts. I have been sick and therfore decided I am laying around as much as possible. Since Justin feels bad that I am sickly and actually laying around (because I never ever just lay around) he has been doing things like putting in my washer and dryer, replacing the disgusting fridge with my nice new one and cleaning out the garage for Jim. Of course the other house is still full of my stuff but that will come soon enough.

When I work hard to be calm and I decide I just don't give a shit anymore things seem to feel better, calmer and easier. I make a point to ignore everything, even things that are driving me insane. This coping mechanism works well for a few days sometimes even weeks can go by with me ignoring things and floating through. The problem is that when I can no longer ignore the things that are driving me insane the insanity and the major anxiety that goes with it erupts into a volcano of irrational emotional outbursts.

This morning I got in the shower and it was ICE water. It is 6AM and I cannot wait any longer I have to get ready and take Andy to my mom's and be at work by 730. 6AM is the absolute latest I can wait to shower. So far 6Am has been good enough but this morning Jim took all the hot water and I got fucked.

I get out of the shower and tell Justin I just took an ice shower and would he 1. turn up the hot water heater and 2. ask Jim when he showers so i can be up earlier. Justin tells me that there is no good in tunring up the heater it wont matter and that I should have just waited. He is playing WOW and barely listens to me at this point which just makes me more upset.

He tells me that I didn't HAVE to take a cold shower I could have waited. I explain that I could not have waited I have to leave the house in 45 minutes to be at work on time. 6 is the LAST possible time I can shower and make it to work on time. He starts doing that sigh thing he does when he is mad at me and that makes me even more frustrated. He gets mad at me for voicing my frustration and for giving him a solution. When I remind him that he said i am not allowed to tell him any problems about anything at all unless I have a solution and he still gets mad, he says its because I don't need to be upset about it that I need to stop freaking out its not that big of a deal. Fuck him he didn't wash his hair in ICE water.

I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't help it "So sorry I didn't check my emotions at the door before I came to talk to you about things that are bothering me, I should make sure I sound like a non emotional robot before I even think to bring you problems. I didn't know that not only do I need a solution but I also must have my emotions about the matter in complete check before I come to you." He just sighed again. and I left the room to cry.

He comes back in to feed the kittens (not to say shit to me) and he is all in a good mood and happy - I wanted to hit him. I asked him who was I supposed to talk to if not him and I told him that just because I feel emotions and I tell him what I am thinking doesn't mean I need him to fix anything I just need him to listen and acknowlegde me. Everything time I tell him anything he just dismisses me and tells me I am being dumb. Sometimes he actually says You are being stupid. Its makes me so sad I can't talk to him about anything without him getting mad.

His response to this "I don't want to talk about it anymore - drop it now."

Then he is all happy and in a good mood like nothing happend. I just wanted him to say "sorry you had a cold shower, Ill ask Jim what time he gets in the shower for you." or anything even remotely close to that.

Is it too much to ask? Am I being unreasonable? I think I have PMS from hell too so I know that makes it worse.

A brighter morning

After venting my rage last night on here I felt so so much better. When Justin came in and wanted to visit I was able to tell him what happend without seeming personally hurt by it. The funny thing is he told Jim about the dogs and that I was livid about it and Jim was too. He wants to fire the nurses and find another company to help out.

D is feeling better, she was full of piss and vinegar yesterday gossiping on the phone to her relatives and talking shit about the nurses.

The nurses are frustrating for sure she said they didnt feed her yesterday so I made her lunch and snacks for today. I think about 75% of what she says is BS but we will see.

So much to do and so little time but today is my work Friday (tho I would rather be here right now than at home in chaos).

Not the food police

I am writtin here to keep from venting at Justin. I think if I vent to him about his mom I will end making him angry at me and I don't want this to be the end of us..Too much has gone into this relationship for my need to vent to get in the way.

At noon I came home from work to start food in the crock pot for dinner (all the fod in my patry is still at the other house and its not like I have a ton of choices). When I got here D was sleeping and the nurses were outside smoking (which pisses me off because D is a smoker and is not allowed to smoke right now). I explained to them againt hat the dogs are NOT NOT NOT allowed int he livng room for any reason because they piss it he floor. They argue about not being able to get around the house with the doorways blocked. I explain "you just push them to one side, step through and then push it back." they both say ok. Afterwards they start to bitch at me about the bed, a need for a lift....blah blah the dog blah blah blah. I explain th complaint department is Jim not me.

Fast forward to time o this afternoon. I walk in and all the barriers are down in the house and there is dog shit and piss in the living room floor. I amseriously gonna loose it over this. I can feel my blood pressure rising and I know the look on my face is HATE. Actually I think murderous hate is what I was feeling I wished one of thosestupd CNA bitches were still here so I could scream at them. Maybe I could rub their noses in it....Dont' do this seee bad cna bad bad and then throw them outside to wimper in the cold.

I mean seriously we just spent a fortune cleaning the fucking carpet. So the other thing I am pissed about is they washed the dishes...and I was all YAY someone washed the dishes (the dishwasher is broken) so I go over to put them away and the bitches can't even wash a hand full of freaking dishes. My god I know Oklahoma does not require anything above a GED but fo Fucks sake its dishes!

D is in good spirits which is good and not good at the same time. She tells me the cnas dont feed her what she wants then she gets caught up in her own lies and changes her story... The thing she is getting at is she wants a "nutty buddy" from the freezer. WTF you are diabetic and I know you have had one already. I am thinking who the hell bought this shit you are on a diet and no sugar. well Jim freaking bought it for her last night. WTF just because she is craving something doesnt mean you give it to her. Sh isnt pregant and craving food she is 450 pounds of fat and cant even get out of bed.

I am NOT the food police....you want to continue to eat yourself to death slowly then go ahead and do it. I hope you dont go into a diabetic coma when its jsut me here but what the hell.

SO the murderous hatred is building and I am even more pissed and Justin is tired so I know if I push him too far he is gonna loose it like I did.

I enjoy cooking dinner for my family, Its somethign I take pride in justin and andy always have something yummy for dinner everyday....something healthy fr the most part and ready when they get home. D is super picky and I am trying to figure out how I feed my guys healthy steamed veggies and yummy foods and she just wants shit from Arbys and no veg at all. UGH Death by food is a slow and painful process but you will die just the same.

I guess I have a lot of room to talk stress at this level = food remedy for me. I may just change that to beer remedy tho. If I didnt need to go to the store for freaking baby gates for the dogs I would drink some beer. And IF my strong alcohol wasnt at the other house - id be drinking some freaking Sailor Jerry.

Shit Justin's home....I do feel alittle calmer, Not so much murderous hate maybe just mame hate. So instea dof murdering someone maybe Ill just take their arm off. LOL....Here is to keeing my mouth shut and being the happy, everything is fine person....Scowl removed from face? ok here I go.

(sorry for bad grammer and spelling no time to check it )

The great Chi Meltdown of 2010

We spent the first night in the new place last night. It wasn't bad except that poor planning means Andy has to stay at my moms and there are no curtains or anything on the windows. Andy is having a blast and I am glad he is there instead of with me unpacking and not having fun but I miss him.

My house is only half packed and the items that are at the new place include any heavy furniture or appliance (which is all currently in the garage) and "only the things you absolutely need for the week" And the kittens because it dawned on Justin and the last minute that no one was there to feed them if we left them in the other place.

All day yesterday I just wanted to watch tv, I know in the whole scheme of things tv watching in low priority but it was my background noise or my way to focus on something besides the running dialog in my brain. Well Justin took all the tvs to the new place and told me I didn't need it even though I was going to be stuck in the old house packing all day. I solved this problem by watching netflix but I was bothered by the fact that he didn't listen to me. Now that I look back I think it was more that he didn't understand what I wanted.

So last night I started coughing ( I have been coughing for like 3 weeks) but last night I could not catch my breath. I mean I was freaking out more because I couldn't breath and was coughing more because of freaking out. Justin started freaking out too because he kept saying "just go lay down and stop working. you need to go to the Doc because I don't think its nothing anymore" He was playing on his PC and also helping fix the bathroom sink and I asked if he could hook up the TV for me so I could watch and chill. Nope it didn't happen, we couldn't find the cable cord thingy..

Which brings us to the Great Chi Meltdown. My stupid hair straightener has issues and has had issues for a while. By issues I mean there is a short in the wire where it connects to the straightener which makes it turn on and off a bunch. This morning it stopped working completely. I think all the stress of the previous couple of days just came out at once. It was like an alien took over my body - an over emotional freaking out alien. I was waving my arms and crying and trying to communicate that my hair was going to look stupid and be frizzy all day. When Justin asked "don't you have anything to put in it like when you let it be curly?" I lost it. "You said only bring what was absolutely necessary and only that. I didn't bring everything because you said not to." OMG it was terrible.

During the whole episode I was thinking to myself "Chill out Julie its just a straightener, its only hair stop freaking out." I could actually feel my innner self laughing at my actions and it just made me even more crazy.

After I cried for a little while (being careful not to mess up my make up. Its too hard to get dressed in the dark to do it again). I played with the cord and made the damn Chi work again. I straightened my hair and made it to work on time. Of course its foggy and damp out so that means my hair is frizzy anyways but we don't need to rub it in or anything.

I told Justin I didn't know what was wrong with me and I am sorry for freaking out. I think its the chaos of not having anything settled. That and the coughing all night.