Freaking the hell out

I am really freaking the HELL out right now. Not even just a little bit, I am freaking the fuck out!

Justin's mom was diagnosed with heart and liver failure. It is bad. So she needs lots of care and attention and Jim wants us to move in with them to help out. I don't know what this means and I have TONS of questions and no answers.

Last night when Jim asked and Justin said "You bet, when do you want us to turn in our 30 day notice" and Jim said tomorrow I almost passed out. Seriously, one freaking giant bomb at a time people. Tell me his mom is so sick they can't even do an angioplasty to see how bad it is then tell me she is in liver falure and so her brain is being damaged by the amonia in her body. Add on top of that the fact that she needs 24 hour care and that you can't afford it. Give my brain some time to wrap around that information before you add in the other bomb.

Jim says "I need help and I need you to move in as soon as possible - the house is too much for me" and I hear "Move in and do all the cleaning and cooking and taking care of all 4 adults (1 terminally ill) 1 teen age boy, 3 freaking dogs and 2 kittens. All while you work a full time job" OVER LOAD!

We spent a couple hours with her in the hospital last night so Jim could get some work done and take a shower. When we left Justin turned to me and asked "what do you think?" My automatic response to this question is "it will be ok" then I struggle with the information in my brain until I figure it out. This time the freaking news is too much and my normal filter is missing. I say I am worried about it and there are a lot of things that will need to change. I am nervous about it. He looks at me like Im nuts and then proceeds to tell me all the good things about it.

I think we are having a conversation about this situation like adults and he asks me "what are your worries?"

My brain should have set off a HUGE warning but I either miss the "shut up" warning or my brain is till in shock because I actually say things like "We are going to have to get a storage unit and are we living with them in the whole house or just the upstairs is ours?" He says no we will just move all out stuff in like its our house too, we will put our couch in the living room. I say "The little dog is in heat a lot so I don't want to put our (brand new) couch in the living room"

Justin started yelling at me. "How can you be so negative, everything you have said is negative, can't you come up with the solution instead of freaking out about the negative? Holy shit why couldn't you just say something like - can we get the little dog fixed so she isn't in heat? but no you have to jump on the fact that she is gonna get blood on the furniture. Stop being so negative."

I explained that I wasn't being negative on purpose I was just trying to talk to him about what I am thinking and that he asked. I said I was sorry and things would be fine. He said "Don't talk to me about it anymore, I don't want to hear anything negative from you about it.

This is another reason why I keep things bottled up inside. Who do I talk to about things and who do I work things out with if not Justin? This morning he was in a much better mood about it all and even last night he was trying to be in a good mood. I know he is trying and I know this is terrible for him.

I feel like a terribly selfish person to be so upset about how this will change our life (both good and bad). And I am even more nervous about how we are supposed to be trying to get pregant now. Ugh I have to push all thoughts of a baby and all my dreams and hopes about that aside for now. He won't touch me right now anyways because he "has too many things on his mind"

This morning he was better and he told me things are fine and we will just have to go through this and things will be ok. He said he will think about everythig and work all the details out. I asked him to please share with me those details so I don't worry and he said "You know I think of everything, there is no need for you to think about it or worry about it, I got it"

I don't even know what to think I do believe I am in shock about the whole thing. I can't write anymore now (even though I want to because it does help so so much) i'ts time to get actual work done.