Happy Fog and Black Days Ahead

Some thoughts I have kept mostly to myself for the better part of a Year.

I have spent the better part of my life carefully hiding my thoughts and feelings from all those around me. Don’t misunderstand me, I have shared myself and some of my thoughts and feelings but for the most part I have kept it all to myself. I have good reasons for being ‘secretive’ but now is not the time to talk about them.

In an effort to be forthcoming with my friends and ultimately myself I have decided to talk about some of the things that I have been keeping bottled inside. I am truly hoping that this will help me “get over myself” or maybe it will just be cathartic and I will feel better. Of course the opposite could happen and I may just dig myself in a deeper than I already am, but why not? I mean nothing is getting better keeping it inside so I might as well. I am not sure that completely removing the cork from the bottle is a good idea (it’s possible that my head may implode or there may be a nuclear explosion like in those 1950s test footage videos) so I am going to start with the thing that is on my mind right now.

In January 2009, JJ and I decided to stop trying not to get pregnant and actually give it a go. In February 2009 I found out I was pregnant! It happened WAY faster than I thought it would and I was ecstatic and terrified, mostly ecstatic. I thought about BABY all the time. I felt my life prospective turn completely inward and I just thought BABY! BABY! BABY! all the time. I had names picked out (even though I did not share this info with JJ). We told everyone and our parents were excited as well. I had morning sickness 24-7 and it was like I remembered. JJ was so sweet and caring and Andy was kind of oblivious, which is healthy for a kid. My baby was going to be here November 4, 2009!

Our first ‘real’ doc appointment came up and I could hardly stand myself I was so excited. Words cannot explain the joy and excitement and anticipation I felt during this time. JJ was excited too; we talked about Baby and Andy all the time. We arrived at the appointment and anticipated hearing and seeing the little one. The doc came in with the heart monitor and tried and tried to find the heartbeat. He said, “Sometimes it’s hard to find let’s get an ultrasound.”

At the time I was just even more excited they didn’t find the heart beat. YAY! We get to SEE the Baby!!! We waited forever for the room to be freed up and then went in. At this time I am still in what I can only explain as a “Happy Fog” I am happy and content and only thinking about the possibilities.

Doc looks at the monitor and then says, “Well, I am afraid this is not good.” He said other things too but I don’t know what. I am in such a “Happy Fog” that I don’t even understand him. I can see his face and the nurse’s face and they both have the “so sorry” look and then I look at Justin but I don’t know what’s going on yet. They are all looking at me like I am an alien; I still have the stupid “Happy Fog” grin going on.

Kind of like an alarm clock interrupting your dream the reality slowly starts to sink in and I can hear what’s being said. I don’t know what I looked like but I can see everyone looking at me like I might freak out and they are getting ready. The doc says we can come back in a week and check again before we make any final decisions about a D&C and that this happens to 1 in 3 women and that the baby is not going to make it. “The fetus is small at what I would guess is 10 weeks even though you are 12 weeks, there is no heartbeat. The fetus is non viable”

I spend the next week trying to deal with the news that I am pregnant but not for much longer. We go back and the doc confirms that bad news. Some chick in the waiting room actually says, “Are you here for an appointment? Are you pregnant? You don’t even look pregnant.” I just stared at her, how do I possible answer that question? Yes I am pregnant but my baby is dead.

The doc says we should not have a D&C because it can cause scar tissue and blah blah blah. “Let it be natural” What he didn’t explain was how long it would take and what would happen and he made me feel like I had no options.

It took two more weeks for the “natural abortion” to occur. Those 2 weeks were horrible. I felt pregnant but the morning sickness had stopped. I was emotional and depressed and to be completely honest I was suicidal. Yes I thought about how things would just be better if I was no longer in the mix complicating everyone’s life. I couldn’t even have lunch with my friends and their new baby without getting emotional and crying. Not because they had a baby and I didn’t but because my hormones were going NUTS. These feelings and my inability to keep up the “everything is fine” game made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to hurt the people around me and I couldn’t control my emotions. This was a spiral of self hatred that led to deeper depression.

JJ promised and promised that we would try again and get pregnant as soon as we could. I later realize that his try to get pregnant is COMPLETELY different from mine.
I started having contractions on a Saturday early in the morning and by 11PM I thought I was going to die. JJ played on his computer and told me to stay in bed and rest. I wanted so badly for him to come in and hold me and tell it would be ok but he refused to, “you just need to rest”. In the end I had a miscarriage in my room – completely alone. I am not mad at him for this; he was dealing with it in the only way he knows how. I know I should have called someone to come and be with me, but I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. I deal with a lot alone for the same reason. Here is something I promise though….If this ever happens again I WILL call.

The next several months were the opposite of “Happy Fog” and I spent a considerable amount of energy just trying to seem normal to those around me. It was a lot of work to pretend to be ok and I was failing miserably at it.

I’ll continue this more in a little while.