NUTS

Things are absolutely nuts right now. Justin still thinks his mom is going to get better and things will be hunky dorey. I don't think that will happen. I believe she will not make it through this. I know its terrible to think like that but I do. I want her to get better but I think she will not.

I do it becuase if I let myself think she will be ok and she dies I will not be as able to deal with it than if I am already prepared. I think I am like that because my Dad always promised this or that and never delivered. So I always found it easier to remain calm about things before they actually happen.

The moving into the house thing...yep its gonna happen gaurenteed. I have to pick out paint and carpet and have the up stairs painted and the house carpeted. I also have to go through all the dishes and everything in the kitchen and "get rid of anything you don't want to keep or we don't need" (Jim) I am not sure what that means. Actually I am afraid of what that means. Do I really have complete license to go through everything and clean it all out? If I do and Dianna gets better, am I going to get in trouble for getting rid of stuff? Who am I kidding? she hasn't been in the actual kitchen for at least the last year, maybe longer. Still it makes me nervous.

Justin is super busy and super stressed out. I can't get him to tell me what he wants me to do and when he does - and I do it, its like its not right. I called and found out about having the chi fixed and our kitten is limping so she needs to go to the vet too. I looked at carpet types and found that Lowes is probably the best place to get carpet right now. I did all this and then called him and told him about it and said my plan is to paint everything this weekend so the carpet can go in during the week and we can move next weekend but he told me that the carpet is more important. He just called back and said paint...paint dont pain holy shit man make up your mind.

Justin keeps calling the middle bedroom "the baby room" Where did that come from? I cant even begin to think about that right now. Its too sensitive a subject and the process stresses me out.

I think once I get everything done and moved and taken care of and things are settled it will be ok but right now...right now my head is spinning and i just want to yell STOP! STOP NOW! Lets just breathe and think about this. There is no time for that.

Oh ya and Christmas is in 2 freaking weeks! 2 WEEKS! Holy crap I still need to do my shopping. I have my parents and Andy still. I have a couple small things for Andy but not what I wanted. I don't know when I am going to get that done and I just wanted to put my tree up next weekend and have it all ready.

I said saomthing about just having Christmas at my mom's since she has a big giant tree set up and its all nice over there and he said "No I want a tree in my house - even if its only half mine" What?! Where did that come from? I thought you hated the Holiday and that goes with it but now you are "We will have a tree no matter what, even if its a small one." I don't know whats going on but I suspect its his way of trying to make me feel better about things.

Ugh more work now....