On so the last week has been kind of nuts. I have been sick and therfore decided I am laying around as much as possible. Since Justin feels bad that I am sickly and actually laying around (because I never ever just lay around) he has been doing things like putting in my washer and dryer, replacing the disgusting fridge with my nice new one and cleaning out the garage for Jim. Of course the other house is still full of my stuff but that will come soon enough.
When I work hard to be calm and I decide I just don't give a shit anymore things seem to feel better, calmer and easier. I make a point to ignore everything, even things that are driving me insane. This coping mechanism works well for a few days sometimes even weeks can go by with me ignoring things and floating through. The problem is that when I can no longer ignore the things that are driving me insane the insanity and the major anxiety that goes with it erupts into a volcano of irrational emotional outbursts.
This morning I got in the shower and it was ICE water. It is 6AM and I cannot wait any longer I have to get ready and take Andy to my mom's and be at work by 730. 6AM is the absolute latest I can wait to shower. So far 6Am has been good enough but this morning Jim took all the hot water and I got fucked.
I get out of the shower and tell Justin I just took an ice shower and would he 1. turn up the hot water heater and 2. ask Jim when he showers so i can be up earlier. Justin tells me that there is no good in tunring up the heater it wont matter and that I should have just waited. He is playing WOW and barely listens to me at this point which just makes me more upset.
He tells me that I didn't HAVE to take a cold shower I could have waited. I explain that I could not have waited I have to leave the house in 45 minutes to be at work on time. 6 is the LAST possible time I can shower and make it to work on time. He starts doing that sigh thing he does when he is mad at me and that makes me even more frustrated. He gets mad at me for voicing my frustration and for giving him a solution. When I remind him that he said i am not allowed to tell him any problems about anything at all unless I have a solution and he still gets mad, he says its because I don't need to be upset about it that I need to stop freaking out its not that big of a deal. Fuck him he didn't wash his hair in ICE water.
I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't help it "So sorry I didn't check my emotions at the door before I came to talk to you about things that are bothering me, I should make sure I sound like a non emotional robot before I even think to bring you problems. I didn't know that not only do I need a solution but I also must have my emotions about the matter in complete check before I come to you." He just sighed again. and I left the room to cry.
He comes back in to feed the kittens (not to say shit to me) and he is all in a good mood and happy - I wanted to hit him. I asked him who was I supposed to talk to if not him and I told him that just because I feel emotions and I tell him what I am thinking doesn't mean I need him to fix anything I just need him to listen and acknowlegde me. Everything time I tell him anything he just dismisses me and tells me I am being dumb. Sometimes he actually says You are being stupid. Its makes me so sad I can't talk to him about anything without him getting mad.
His response to this "I don't want to talk about it anymore - drop it now."
Then he is all happy and in a good mood like nothing happend. I just wanted him to say "sorry you had a cold shower, Ill ask Jim what time he gets in the shower for you." or anything even remotely close to that.
Is it too much to ask? Am I being unreasonable? I think I have PMS from hell too so I know that makes it worse.
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